Care of Ageing Parents
Dear Respected fellow friends,
I have been reading with interest the topic on ‘Old Age Homes’. This subject will never stop eliciting fresh ideas, responses and views and would continue to do so as long as humans exist on this mother earth. I have read some and experienced few. So here I choose to talk & write about only that "few". The rest is theory & supposition and until I go through it myself and experience it, I would be only talking like one of the blind men & the elephant; each describing what he has touched, heard, read & understood but not experienced and clearly not seen the complete image - the grand scheme of things. On our life’s journey, we meet people, join groups, read & listen to thoughts/ideas that influence and shape us. I wish to share some of these ‘two paise bit’ here with you by reposting my earlier contribution on the subject in another forum, for whatever it is worth. When I look at my own kids I find that the fusion of East & West, the convergence of the eastern spirit with the western outlook is becoming extremely potent; as my dad used to say, "Eastern hearts & western minds". Thanks to him, even as a child I was always drawn to be independent and a bit spiritual. “There had to be a meaning to this life my son, a reason to this existence and a purpose even if we have not seen it as yet”, he would say often which I paraphrase, "I assure you, there is light at the end of the tunnel even if the tunnel takes a turn near the end" and thus you can't see the light. Have the patience and the persistence to go on independently, and you will get there. Alas he is no more (died in his sleep at 93). And I am struggling to get there with my children’s help. (Do read the old classic Jonathan Livingstone Seagull by Richard Bach and gift it to your kids).
Care for Ageing Parents...
On 4th of this month, there was a very interesting poser on the above subject submitted by one of our respected, anguished and concerned fellow members- titled "Of responsibility, freedom and grace....."That triggered me into posting this one just to buttress the author's idea that we are incumbent to do "whatever we can on ‘absolutely’ absolute scale to our aged parents" and it is so ordained in the scriptures too.
In Bhagavatam, an 'old man' is compared to a worn- out- ox (Gojaram) Ref. 3rd Skandam, Discourse XXX verses 13 &14. I quote, "Seeing him unable to support his family, his wife and others treat him not with the same respect as before, even as the miserly cultivators do not accord the same treatment to their old and worn- out- oxen. Yet the old man feels no aversion for them. Maintained (now) buy those very people he had brought up himself (in earlier years) and deformed (now) on account of old age he falls a prey to diseases like dyspepsia; his diet and activity both diminish and he remains confined to his house, awaiting his death and living like a house-dog (Gruhapala) on whatever is thrown despisingly by others". Unquote.
In the 10th Skandam, Discourse XLV Lord Himself describes how the parents are to be looked after. (Refer slokas 1 to 9).After killing Kamsa, Krishna rushes to his shackled parents in prison and addresses them "O Amaba (mother), Thaathah (Father)!"in order to delight them. I quote, "Ill-fated as we (includes Balarama) are, the privilege of living by your side could not be attained by us. Nor was that joy experienced by us which children dwelling in their father's house and fondled by their parents do. Even by serving them through a life of hundred years one is not able to get square with one's parents by whom one is brought into being and nourished. The servants of Yama actually make that son eat his own flesh on his departing from this world who though able bodied does not with his body and resources maintain them (his Parents).He, though capable if fails to support his parents is dead for all intents and purposes. But we were helpless, Sire, afraid as we were of Kamsa etc etc.." Unquote.
So geriatrics and care for aged has been a topic as ancient as the creation of beings. So then what?
I have been reading with interest the topic on ‘Old Age Homes’. This subject will never stop eliciting fresh ideas, responses and views and would continue to do so as long as humans exist on this mother earth. I have read some and experienced few. So here I choose to talk & write about only that "few". The rest is theory & supposition and until I go through it myself and experience it, I would be only talking like one of the blind men & the elephant; each describing what he has touched, heard, read & understood but not experienced and clearly not seen the complete image - the grand scheme of things. On our life’s journey, we meet people, join groups, read & listen to thoughts/ideas that influence and shape us. I wish to share some of these ‘two paise bit’ here with you by reposting my earlier contribution on the subject in another forum, for whatever it is worth. When I look at my own kids I find that the fusion of East & West, the convergence of the eastern spirit with the western outlook is becoming extremely potent; as my dad used to say, "Eastern hearts & western minds". Thanks to him, even as a child I was always drawn to be independent and a bit spiritual. “There had to be a meaning to this life my son, a reason to this existence and a purpose even if we have not seen it as yet”, he would say often which I paraphrase, "I assure you, there is light at the end of the tunnel even if the tunnel takes a turn near the end" and thus you can't see the light. Have the patience and the persistence to go on independently, and you will get there. Alas he is no more (died in his sleep at 93). And I am struggling to get there with my children’s help. (Do read the old classic Jonathan Livingstone Seagull by Richard Bach and gift it to your kids).
Care for Ageing Parents...
On 4th of this month, there was a very interesting poser on the above subject submitted by one of our respected, anguished and concerned fellow members- titled "Of responsibility, freedom and grace....."That triggered me into posting this one just to buttress the author's idea that we are incumbent to do "whatever we can on ‘absolutely’ absolute scale to our aged parents" and it is so ordained in the scriptures too.
In Bhagavatam, an 'old man' is compared to a worn- out- ox (Gojaram) Ref. 3rd Skandam, Discourse XXX verses 13 &14. I quote, "Seeing him unable to support his family, his wife and others treat him not with the same respect as before, even as the miserly cultivators do not accord the same treatment to their old and worn- out- oxen. Yet the old man feels no aversion for them. Maintained (now) buy those very people he had brought up himself (in earlier years) and deformed (now) on account of old age he falls a prey to diseases like dyspepsia; his diet and activity both diminish and he remains confined to his house, awaiting his death and living like a house-dog (Gruhapala) on whatever is thrown despisingly by others". Unquote.
In the 10th Skandam, Discourse XLV Lord Himself describes how the parents are to be looked after. (Refer slokas 1 to 9).After killing Kamsa, Krishna rushes to his shackled parents in prison and addresses them "O Amaba (mother), Thaathah (Father)!"in order to delight them. I quote, "Ill-fated as we (includes Balarama) are, the privilege of living by your side could not be attained by us. Nor was that joy experienced by us which children dwelling in their father's house and fondled by their parents do. Even by serving them through a life of hundred years one is not able to get square with one's parents by whom one is brought into being and nourished. The servants of Yama actually make that son eat his own flesh on his departing from this world who though able bodied does not with his body and resources maintain them (his Parents).He, though capable if fails to support his parents is dead for all intents and purposes. But we were helpless, Sire, afraid as we were of Kamsa etc etc.." Unquote.
So geriatrics and care for aged has been a topic as ancient as the creation of beings. So then what?
Cut to the modern era. (Events are mostly true but names are changed)
Lata is a matron in a school in Coimbatore. Each week she struggles to squeeze in a few hours to make telephone calls, because she handles her Hyderabad-based widowed mother’s finances, medicare forms, and makes certain all bills are paid on time. Her husband having undergone kidney transplant recently is on medication. Her children are passing through that difficult adolescent stage, yet to get a grip on what the life is all about.
Viji is a Bank Manager in Bangalore. She has been taking more and more time away from her work so she can drive her father, who recently suffered a major heart attack, to the doctor’s office as well as back to the hospital for on going physical therapy. Her aged mother is only a moral prop. Her husband is at Mizoram. Her brother is in USA.
Subbu, an electrical engineer in Cochin, is using up his vacation days so he can attend to both parents at Pazhayannur, Palghat. He divides his days between the hospital to be with his mother, who broke her hip, and his parents’ house to care for his father, suffering in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease and dementia. Subbu knows that soon he will have to make arrangements for his father to be placed in a nursing home. To be or not to be is the question?
Here’s a fact: My father once told me. "Not everyone has children, but everyone has parents". He would often quote a Swedish proverb “Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it” “ O Thaathaa U R great”, my son would say.
And as parents grow older, their health can decline, making them increasingly dependent on their children. A growing number of adults find themselves not only parenting their children, but providing care for their parents as well. Care-giving for an elderly parent will become an increasing reality for more and more adult children. Currently millions of seniors require assistance with such basics as getting out of bed, dressing, cooking, cleaning, and handling money. On any given day, millions of us spend some time caring for our parents. On an average, such adults spend 10 hours per week in elder care-giving. Tasks involve assistance in household chores, personal care, providing transportation, managing finances, and selecting medical services. No doubt such duties interfere with our social, emotional, and family needs some or most of the time. In addition, many of us do not take a vacation from those duties for years.
Granted that this care is motivated by love. Yet giving care to an aging parent can exact a tremendous physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial toll, not only on the caregivers but also on their spouses and children.
Here are some tips/ways to help aging parents without burning yourself out. (Out of practical exposure to cases for the past several years)
Begin with a family consensus.
When faced by an imminent decision—typically, should mother or father be placed in a nursing home, it is better to have a consensus of opinions. In order to make care-giving a healing rather than a hurtful experience for your family, call for a conference with the principal people (Kaarnaverus) involved long before such a drastic decision must be made.
Those involved in the conference should include the aging parent(s), siblings, and other extended family members. Understanding everyone’s expectations early in the care-giving process can eliminate problems in the months ahead. During the conference, try to establish how many others will want to be actively involved in care-giving and the level of their commitment. If there are financial implications, establish some agreement as to how those will be shared and met (This is the toughest. You will face rough weather, cumulus-nimbus clouds and thunder storms). A key point during a family conference is to find out what the aging parent envisions. Does he or she plan to live alone, get a roommate, or move to a retirement community?
Don’t make promises you won’t be able to keep.
When Sivaraman’s 72-year-old mother at Thodupuzha began to express concerns about her future care, he quickly responded: “Amma, don’t worry about ending up in a nursing home, because I’ll always be able to take care of you.” However, as her mother’s health declined dramatically after a stroke, it became clear that the elderly woman needed 24-hour home-care.
“Because I work full-time with my insurance business, I could not provide Mother with the constant care she needed. Reluctantly, and with great guilt, I found a good institution that provided my mother with full-time professional care. In spite of the fact that the nursing home was an excellent facility at Pollachi, my mother resisted being placed there, and I felt as though I had abandoned her. She died two years ago, and I’m still feeling guilty that I didn’t keep my word to her.” The lesson from that sad experience: Don’t make promises you may not be able to keep.
Find out what social services are available.
Some families are able to afford to pay for the services of a social worker or nurse who specialises in geriatrics. However, for those who cannot bear this expense, seek lower-cost services available for the aging perhaps supplied by governmental and nonprofit agencies.
When calling for information and help, don’t become frustrated by the large number of calls you may have to make. The network of social agencies is constantly changing and being refined in order to meet human needs better. Be patient and persistent. Your effort will result in better knowledge and access to aid.
Many of the needs of elderly people do not demand highly skilled or experienced people. Those needs can be filled by ordinary people willing to give their time by visiting, fixing meals, cleaning, offering companionship, and providing transportation to markets and medical appointments. There is a saying "Parents start you off in life, but friends get you through it". Worth trying. What are friends for?
Tap into the power of a self-help group.
There are three compelling reasons for turning to a self-help group. First, while extended family members and friends can provide practical advice and emotional support, sometimes such informal networks are inadequate. Second, there may be relationships within a family that are part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Third, people in a self-help group offer each other not sympathy but empathy.
Here is an interesting piece of telephonic conversation I heard between a father and son. “But Appa, why can’t you come over here? What’s the problem?” queried the son from Kozhikode. “You are the problem”, said the old man (staying with his daughter at Delhi married to a Sardar) and banged the phone.
Whether you’re being worn down by the unpredictable behaviour of a father functionally impaired by Alzheimer’s disease, or you’re trying to juggle the demands of a recently widowed mother with the needs of your own children, you can connect with a group of people living through the same experiences.( Boy, does this help?) As soon as you arrive and begin to talk about your feelings, the other group members can identify with practically all of them. Especially refreshing to anyone who has felt isolated and helpless is the sense of security that comes from this type of group participation.”
Be sensitive to the primary caregiver.
No matter how many adult children make up a family, the responsibilities are not equally shared when parent care becomes necessary. Often one adult child emerges as the primary caregiver. If you are not the primary caregiver, maintain a sensitivity to the one who handles most of the responsibility. Here is a sad, but common, lament from Sandhya, a woman I know: “This is for all the sisters and brothers of caregivers who are ‘too busy’ with their own lives to lend a hand,” she begins. “A few years ago my life changed when my father became ill with a progressive disease. I put all my plans on hold and little by little gave up visiting my friends, socializing, Annamalai correspondence course, and spending time with my husband. I now must use all my ‘free time’ to take my father to the doctors’ appointments and tend to his needs. I am not complaining. My parents are wonderful people, and I consider it a privilege to care for them, but I am upset because my siblings do nothing to help me.”
If another member of your family is carrying most of the load, do whatever you can to pitch in and help. If you are geographically distant, consider using some of your vacation time to provide care for the aging parent, giving the primary caregiver some time off. Or if you live nearby, call the primary caregiver and offer your services a few hours per week.
Finally, as caregiver to an aging parent, be sure you know and respect your own limits. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming exhausted, sick, depressed, and burned out. In that condition you will not be helpful to aging parents or anyone else. Do make time for yourself and find ways to nurture your body and spirit. I think someone in this group once wrote FAMILY= (F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou.
Yours most humbly
V V R
I add now a post script to parents titled “Nurture - unconditional love”.
The children are with us for us (parents) to unconditionally love, nurture and provide the right kind of soil for them to bloom in their own seed-nature. The nest that we
provide them is to help them grow strong physically and psychologically, so that they can finally leave the nest to find their own destiny. They are not an investment from whom we should aspire to reap dividends of any kind. Therefore, when our children “grow up” and find strength in their wings and the courage to explore, we have also to ‘grow up’; bid the children a loving farewell and bless them for their maiden flight wishing them every success in their exploratory journey. We need to see them flap their wings first slowly and then powerfully till they take off into the open sky to see them go higher and higher till they are out of sight. (Sorry to sound like an aviator; habits die hard for an ex-Air Force guy) We must assure them that they will always be thought of in our prayers. And finally, we parents need to sit down, look at each other with a peaceful smile and a loving tear in the eye feeling contended for a job well done.
07 Feb 06
Lata is a matron in a school in Coimbatore. Each week she struggles to squeeze in a few hours to make telephone calls, because she handles her Hyderabad-based widowed mother’s finances, medicare forms, and makes certain all bills are paid on time. Her husband having undergone kidney transplant recently is on medication. Her children are passing through that difficult adolescent stage, yet to get a grip on what the life is all about.
Viji is a Bank Manager in Bangalore. She has been taking more and more time away from her work so she can drive her father, who recently suffered a major heart attack, to the doctor’s office as well as back to the hospital for on going physical therapy. Her aged mother is only a moral prop. Her husband is at Mizoram. Her brother is in USA.
Subbu, an electrical engineer in Cochin, is using up his vacation days so he can attend to both parents at Pazhayannur, Palghat. He divides his days between the hospital to be with his mother, who broke her hip, and his parents’ house to care for his father, suffering in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease and dementia. Subbu knows that soon he will have to make arrangements for his father to be placed in a nursing home. To be or not to be is the question?
Here’s a fact: My father once told me. "Not everyone has children, but everyone has parents". He would often quote a Swedish proverb “Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it” “ O Thaathaa U R great”, my son would say.
And as parents grow older, their health can decline, making them increasingly dependent on their children. A growing number of adults find themselves not only parenting their children, but providing care for their parents as well. Care-giving for an elderly parent will become an increasing reality for more and more adult children. Currently millions of seniors require assistance with such basics as getting out of bed, dressing, cooking, cleaning, and handling money. On any given day, millions of us spend some time caring for our parents. On an average, such adults spend 10 hours per week in elder care-giving. Tasks involve assistance in household chores, personal care, providing transportation, managing finances, and selecting medical services. No doubt such duties interfere with our social, emotional, and family needs some or most of the time. In addition, many of us do not take a vacation from those duties for years.
Granted that this care is motivated by love. Yet giving care to an aging parent can exact a tremendous physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial toll, not only on the caregivers but also on their spouses and children.
Here are some tips/ways to help aging parents without burning yourself out. (Out of practical exposure to cases for the past several years)
Begin with a family consensus.
When faced by an imminent decision—typically, should mother or father be placed in a nursing home, it is better to have a consensus of opinions. In order to make care-giving a healing rather than a hurtful experience for your family, call for a conference with the principal people (Kaarnaverus) involved long before such a drastic decision must be made.
Those involved in the conference should include the aging parent(s), siblings, and other extended family members. Understanding everyone’s expectations early in the care-giving process can eliminate problems in the months ahead. During the conference, try to establish how many others will want to be actively involved in care-giving and the level of their commitment. If there are financial implications, establish some agreement as to how those will be shared and met (This is the toughest. You will face rough weather, cumulus-nimbus clouds and thunder storms). A key point during a family conference is to find out what the aging parent envisions. Does he or she plan to live alone, get a roommate, or move to a retirement community?
Don’t make promises you won’t be able to keep.
When Sivaraman’s 72-year-old mother at Thodupuzha began to express concerns about her future care, he quickly responded: “Amma, don’t worry about ending up in a nursing home, because I’ll always be able to take care of you.” However, as her mother’s health declined dramatically after a stroke, it became clear that the elderly woman needed 24-hour home-care.
“Because I work full-time with my insurance business, I could not provide Mother with the constant care she needed. Reluctantly, and with great guilt, I found a good institution that provided my mother with full-time professional care. In spite of the fact that the nursing home was an excellent facility at Pollachi, my mother resisted being placed there, and I felt as though I had abandoned her. She died two years ago, and I’m still feeling guilty that I didn’t keep my word to her.” The lesson from that sad experience: Don’t make promises you may not be able to keep.
Find out what social services are available.
Some families are able to afford to pay for the services of a social worker or nurse who specialises in geriatrics. However, for those who cannot bear this expense, seek lower-cost services available for the aging perhaps supplied by governmental and nonprofit agencies.
When calling for information and help, don’t become frustrated by the large number of calls you may have to make. The network of social agencies is constantly changing and being refined in order to meet human needs better. Be patient and persistent. Your effort will result in better knowledge and access to aid.
Many of the needs of elderly people do not demand highly skilled or experienced people. Those needs can be filled by ordinary people willing to give their time by visiting, fixing meals, cleaning, offering companionship, and providing transportation to markets and medical appointments. There is a saying "Parents start you off in life, but friends get you through it". Worth trying. What are friends for?
Tap into the power of a self-help group.
There are three compelling reasons for turning to a self-help group. First, while extended family members and friends can provide practical advice and emotional support, sometimes such informal networks are inadequate. Second, there may be relationships within a family that are part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Third, people in a self-help group offer each other not sympathy but empathy.
Here is an interesting piece of telephonic conversation I heard between a father and son. “But Appa, why can’t you come over here? What’s the problem?” queried the son from Kozhikode. “You are the problem”, said the old man (staying with his daughter at Delhi married to a Sardar) and banged the phone.
Whether you’re being worn down by the unpredictable behaviour of a father functionally impaired by Alzheimer’s disease, or you’re trying to juggle the demands of a recently widowed mother with the needs of your own children, you can connect with a group of people living through the same experiences.( Boy, does this help?) As soon as you arrive and begin to talk about your feelings, the other group members can identify with practically all of them. Especially refreshing to anyone who has felt isolated and helpless is the sense of security that comes from this type of group participation.”
Be sensitive to the primary caregiver.
No matter how many adult children make up a family, the responsibilities are not equally shared when parent care becomes necessary. Often one adult child emerges as the primary caregiver. If you are not the primary caregiver, maintain a sensitivity to the one who handles most of the responsibility. Here is a sad, but common, lament from Sandhya, a woman I know: “This is for all the sisters and brothers of caregivers who are ‘too busy’ with their own lives to lend a hand,” she begins. “A few years ago my life changed when my father became ill with a progressive disease. I put all my plans on hold and little by little gave up visiting my friends, socializing, Annamalai correspondence course, and spending time with my husband. I now must use all my ‘free time’ to take my father to the doctors’ appointments and tend to his needs. I am not complaining. My parents are wonderful people, and I consider it a privilege to care for them, but I am upset because my siblings do nothing to help me.”
If another member of your family is carrying most of the load, do whatever you can to pitch in and help. If you are geographically distant, consider using some of your vacation time to provide care for the aging parent, giving the primary caregiver some time off. Or if you live nearby, call the primary caregiver and offer your services a few hours per week.
Finally, as caregiver to an aging parent, be sure you know and respect your own limits. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming exhausted, sick, depressed, and burned out. In that condition you will not be helpful to aging parents or anyone else. Do make time for yourself and find ways to nurture your body and spirit. I think someone in this group once wrote FAMILY= (F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou.
Yours most humbly
V V R
I add now a post script to parents titled “Nurture - unconditional love”.
The children are with us for us (parents) to unconditionally love, nurture and provide the right kind of soil for them to bloom in their own seed-nature. The nest that we
provide them is to help them grow strong physically and psychologically, so that they can finally leave the nest to find their own destiny. They are not an investment from whom we should aspire to reap dividends of any kind. Therefore, when our children “grow up” and find strength in their wings and the courage to explore, we have also to ‘grow up’; bid the children a loving farewell and bless them for their maiden flight wishing them every success in their exploratory journey. We need to see them flap their wings first slowly and then powerfully till they take off into the open sky to see them go higher and higher till they are out of sight. (Sorry to sound like an aviator; habits die hard for an ex-Air Force guy) We must assure them that they will always be thought of in our prayers. And finally, we parents need to sit down, look at each other with a peaceful smile and a loving tear in the eye feeling contended for a job well done.
07 Feb 06
posted by Kausthubham at
10:56 pm
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